Pslam 27:14 – Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
A little over a year ago, I wrote a post called “Love Worth Waiting For” that was by far my most read and responded to post. It has been on my heart to revisit the subject and the post to reevaluate where I stood in my walk with Christ in relation to this subject. My situation has changed very little since I wrote this post discussing on why waiting on the Lord to write your love story is better than believing all the crap the media feeds you. The last year has shown me so much about myself and about what kind of man I desire to be my husband and spiritual leader of my future family. Before I go much further, I am going to get real with you all. Lay it all out there. I am nervous about allowing myself to be this vulnerable to whoever may read this, but I feel the Lord wants me to share some the darkest parts of my heart with you.
I am depressed. I struggle with anxiety everyday. The devil takes advantage of this by reminding me I am one of the oldest people in my friend group, and I continue to be alone while all those around me are in relationships. I am the odd one out. I can allow my singleness to define me at times. My best friend that got married last year has her first child on the way. My roommate is engaged. My very first best friend from elementary school is engaged. All of the people I spend the majority of my time with are in committed relationships. I would be lying if I said I was consistently happy despite this situation. My hardest days are when the devil is whispering these things in my ear reminding me I am alone.
Christmas day was a difficult day. I was feeling particularly sad, got into an argument with someone I love very much and then my roommate came home and told me she was engaged. Please do not misinterpret any of this to think I am not happy for my friends, because I am ecstatic. I cannot wait to be her Maid of Honor. She is going to be a beautiful bride. I could not be happier my other friends are in relationships I helped them pray for. Their happiness fuels my fire. I would do anything for them. That night when I went in my room before going to sleep, I broke down. Calling out to God telling Him I just did not understand His plans by keeping me single. I cried out to God asking Him to make me content. I need to be content with what He’s given me because He has given me so much. Although His timing is not what I would like, I have been reminded my timing is not the timeline we live on. It’s all God.
Now here’s the thing, being single doesn’t define me. Being single doesn’t mean that my life hasn’t started. I am not just waiting on the Lord to bring me a man in order for me to serve Him. That doesn’t make any sense. That’s a lie the devil has told me. I have read two articles in the past couple of days that reminded me of this- Single and Not Waiting and What I Learned About God from Nicole and Jimmy. I am on God’s time. Not mine. God intends for me to serve Him in my present state and reach others in this way.
So I refuse to wait. I am not going to be waiting to serve God and start living my life until after meeting the man God intends for me to be with. I am going to praise Him regardless of the situation and reach others through the heart He has given me. I will continue to love others with every inch of me, because that is my purpose. I will continue to write what God lays on my heart and hopefully reach other young people through my experiences. I will be still, and let God be God. This year may be the year I meet the man I marry and it may not be. Even if I don’t my goal will be to filled with God’s presence this year by immersing myself in His word and surrounding myself with people of God who I am lucky to call my best friends.
Until next time,